Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Women to Avoid in Life

It's difficult to accurately judge a woman as a potential mate. However, through experience, I have isolated a number of personal characteristics that certain women may possess that can tip off an unsuspecting male to the true nature of the women he encounters. The following guide is some dating advice intended to help you identify them so you can weed them out in your search for "The One." Or, alternatively, this list will help you find a trampy slut. Whatever floats your boat.

I'm aware that most of the following characteristics are visual cues - I don't need to hear any "don't judge a book by its cover" stuff. Stereotypes exist for a reason: because more often than not, they are true. Oh, and before you crap your pants when you read through this, just because a potential mate might have one or two of the following characteristics doesn't make her automatically unacceptable for a serious relationship. Use your best judgement to tally all the factors below and decide for yourself if she is worthy of your time.

And yes - she has to be worthy of YOU. Ignore the modern wimpy portrayals of all men that are force-fed to us in sitcoms, commercials, and movies. We are tough and resourceful, or else we wouldn't be here on this earth today. We aren't henpecked or nagged like Ray Barone or are outwitted by some little squirt showing us to download music on the internet. We were made to handle things with decisive, blunt calculation, and to treat obstacles as things to be destroyed and conquered, not to cry around a campfire as we all share our feelings and pass around a J. And if you do find yourself sliding into this abyss, just think about David Schwimmer. Is this a man? Why are so many guys impressionable enough to believe his example is how you evaluate women? Women don't want a snivelling male who likes to colour co-ordinate and bother them with weepy phone calls, and any male who acts that way should have his balls removed. "Friends" is crystal-clear regarding the what happens if you are a "modern" and sensitive male like Ross - your wife turns into a lesbian (underscoring that she was the male in the relationship), you buy a retarded pet monkey, and you spend the next decade of your life persuing a spoiled brat like Rachel around and getting your head played like a banjo in the process. Ross should have thrown Rachel under the bus during season one. So remember - be a man, make the hard choices, and ensure your woman is worth your time.

David Schwimmer: Not a man

So, here we go. If you see a woman with any of the following, you should never invest any serious time with her. I guarantee at some point in the future she will disappoint you, screw you over somehow, or just leave you for the next Joe Sixpack who happens to compliment her eyes. But like I said, if you have no plans for anything serious, do what you want. There's always tomorrow, isn't there? The list:

1.) Body piercings. How can you invest yourself in someone who wants to mutilate themselves?

2.) Hair dyed in unconventional colours (bright red, blue, deep black, orange). This shows i) a lack of fundamental character - she doesn't like herself as she is - and ii) probably isn't interested in getting a job. Do you want to support some bimbo financially as she flips channels on the couch with her funky blue hair? I didn't think so.

3.) Too much makeup. This is easy - think of peacocks. Why do they have those huge feathers? They want to attract members of the opposite sex! If your woman is spending 30 minutes in front of the mirror every day, what is her motivation? She wants attention from men, that's why. I shouldn't have to tell you why this is a bad thing.

4.) Drug use. What do you need some wannabe riot grrrl for?

5.) Smoker. This one isn't as bad as the rest, as many friends of mine smoke. But the fact is, if you don't and she does, you're just going to hate it. Trust me. You don't want to stink, and kissing her mouth is like tasting a warm, dank bowl of rotting tobacco every single day. You should be as similar to your woman in interests as you can be.

6.) Drinker. Everybody drinks. But a habitual drunk has a habit of saying things at the wrong time just to embarrass you. Do you want to be embarrassed by your boozy girlfriend? Also, this addiction guarantees future lapses of judgement in all areas of life - from decisions regarding taking a cab or not to sleeping with your best friend. It happens.

7.) Someone who self-identifies as having "issues" or talks about an "ex" a lot. A girl like this is going to bore you to tears with stories of her last boyfriend and all the stupid things that used to make her cry in the bathroom at high school. You shouldn't have to deal with any damaged goods. You are not a counsellor - some reasonable emotional support from your end can and should be expected, but this kind of person will want to lovingly dredge through her problems like a kid organizing his hockey cards on a regular basis, and you just don't need that. Look for someone who's gotten over her prior life, or else you will live in misery.

8.) Willing to go all the way on a first date: This initially will seem like a good thing, but it means that she lacks self esteem, and has no sense of social rules. And it probably means she's more broken-in than Babe Ruth's ballglove. I'd double-bag Mr. Happy if I were to proceed in this case.

9.) Willing to burp/fart/swear on a first date: Rude, unrefined, immature, probably stupid to talk to, totally uninhibited. Now, these behaviours are all right after the understood "grace period", but on first meeting, no way. What this means to you is, she'll do what she pleases when she pleases - this is BAD. It will mean that negotiating agreements of any kind from her will be a daily exercise in frustration. What you want is a woman that does what YOU want, WHEN you want. Besides, what a mood killer, farting. Women shouldn't fart, they are supposed to be these dainty flowers you open the door for. At family get-togethers, you're going to be thinking about the possibility of her farting in front of your parents the entire time.

10.) Wears knee-high boots/leather pants regularly: these are just clothes, but regular people with normal aspirations and interests don't wear stuff like that. Strippers do. Nobody wants a stripper for a girlfriend.

11.) Has numerous tattoos. This is just like the piercings thing - self mutilation. What's up with that? I've never known any girl with tattoos who wasn't a mattress-back. What will those tatties look like when she's 45 and trying to set an example for her 6 kids? Also, the second thing I think when I see a tattoo is: inmate.

12.) Breast implants. Do I need to explain this one?

You just know some women are never going to meet your mother.

These next identifiers indicate a problematic/high maintenance woman who should be abandoned at the earliest opportunity. As you can see, they aren't in the same category as the above class of woman is, but is nevertheless the wrong kind of woman to get involved with. Too much hassle:

1.) Is a vegan. Two words for you: Come on! We evolved as meat eaters. Meat tastes good. And making two separate meals all the time is stupid.

2.) Wears Birkenstocks: She's a hippie wannabe.

3.) Is a feminist. This one, you avoid at all costs - this lone factor outweighs all others. A feminist wants everything her way when it's convenient and lets you handle things when it's time to roll up your sleeves and do some dirty work. A feminist doesn't respect the natural order of things - like, duh, men and women are different for a reason, and well, men are better at certain things than women, and women are better than certain things than men. Is that so hard to grasp? Combine this with "Birkenstock-wearing" and you should just grab your nuts and head for the hills.

4.) She has rich parents. Again - this sounds like a good thing at first, but the fact is, girls like this are materialistic, spoiled, and have expectations that you simply can't meet. Who was the last down-to-earth, warm and kindly rich girl you ever met? Exactly - they don't exist. Nice girls with normal expectations come from farming communities or small towns, and didn't get new cars for their sixteenth birthdays. If you have a relationship with a rich girl, expect a lot of angry conversations regarding why you aren't doing exactly what she wants.

So there it is. There's more, but you get the idea. You'll notice that I haven't made any recommendations for indentifying a suitable girlfriend, just ideas for avoiding bad ones. It's no accident - that's because avoiding the potential landmine of a bad girlfriend is half the battle. Advice on how to choose the right woman will be detailed in a future installment.

Monday, December 13, 2004

How This Dynamite Blog Was Named

This was an ordeal.

First, I began by typing in all sorts of cool-sounding title names in the provided space. Words with meaning. Unpretentious words that are simple, yet somehow resonate with a certain depth that suggest to the reader the kind of thought-provoking material that will be discussed on this page. You know, words sort of like, "Captain Amazing," or, "Thunder Man".

But all the cool words are taken, I should have realized this from the beginning. Somewhere on this site, the best website names are probably already taken by pizza-faced guys writing breathless reviews of the new Halo game.

So, I kind of got tired of trying to pick a uniquely quirky new name, and I ended up just writing down the first two random words that popped in my head. There you have it. It could have been worse (I wasn't expecting this choice to be accepted, either).

My mission on this site: to entertain. Rants, short stories...anything I feel like putting down.

Manipulating People

Last week, my office had a staff party. And as usually happens, too many people had too much to drink.

One of these people is a female co-worker, who told some guy at the party (a male colleague she had just met) that she was single. In fact, she's married with children. The predictable occurred, and she ended up being the story of the office the next day. I'm guessing she feels bad about it, but I don't really know her. Or care, I guess.

Anyway, a co-worker buddy of mine was ruminating over the possibility of using this situation to his advantage. He doesn't want to sleep with her or anything creepy like that, he's just kind of bored, and wants to see what would happen if he involved himself in the situation. He said, "I feel like sending her some inflammatory emails, encouraging her into further debauchery. Does that make me a bad person?"

On being bad, I've often asked myself, for instance, are the seven deadly sins REALLY sins? Stuff like sloth, or gluttony - these are among the seven things that we all like to do the most. I mean, how can it be a sin to enjoy yourself? Is it immoral to experience pleasure? If something feels good, how can that be a bad thing? Did God make us to feel pleasure only when we are sinning, and if so, why?

So I don't know if this situation makes you a truly bad person. Textbook evil? Yeah, probably. Like in Dungeons and Dragons, here you'd be "lawful evil." You basically follow the rules of society, but don't hesitate to stab someone in the back for your own personal gain if the opportunity arises - in this case, your gain would be "personal entertainment." But bad? What will happen, except more exhibitions of behaviour that this person has already proven capable of? I mean, is that really your fault? I say no, because if you think it's your fault, that means that you can also be responsible for a change of attitude in this person to avoid this behaviour, and that's not possible. Everything I read suggests that real change comes from within. Does anybody have that kind of influence on a person's life? I doubt it. If that was true, fixing an incompatible marriage or curing a nasty case of alcoholism would be simply be a matter of applying your will and influence to the problem. So, nah, it's not bad. It's just kind of like pushing buttons to see what will happen, in a Professor Frink kind of way. Glaven! With the monkeys and the screaming...