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Monday, July 18, 2005

The Return of Superman

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In the pantheon of comic-book superheroes, there is one hero who stands alone at the top. He came first, in the desperate days of the Great Depression to inspire millions of people with the idea that one man could save the world. He was unquestionably good. He had almost matchless power, and by contrast, the classic poetic fatal flaw. The symbol he wore on his chest became one of the world’s most recognizable icons, right after the Olympic Rings and the Christian cross. He became the standard by which all those who followed were judged.

Superman.

Over the years, he has been portrayed in comic books, novels, plays, television shows, and movies, with varying success, strengthening his image in the minds of his fans.

So – as a guy who once rode his bicycle around with a “Superman” cape flapping from my shoulders, imagine my joy in learning that a new Hollywood production, “Superman Returns” will be released in the summer of 2006. The 1977 John Williams soundtrack began to strum through my mind as I started rooting around on the internet for information about the movie. I had reason to be optimistic; beginning with X-Men in 1999 and then perfected by the Spiderman franchise, the comic book movie has become a spectacle worth anticipating. And Superman, the greatest hero of the genre…surely it would be better than all the predecessors. A movie would be filmed befitting a character of his stature, with all the respect and reverence he deserves.

And that’s when I saw this:

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Oh, my GOD!!

Was this a joke? It can’t be – but no. These pictures are found on the movie’s homepage to promote the film. This “Superman” is nothing like I imagined. So much of Superman is what he looks like, and this is frankly the stupidest costume I’ve ever seen. Hastily, I forwarded the pics to my friends, and these were their responses:

“HAHAHAHA! I literally laughed out loud. Is this for real? He looks retarded!”

“I feel like I was just kicked in the nuts. This can’t be the costume – is it?”

It looks that way. Where to begin? This costume is wrong from the top to bottom:

1.) The cape. The color is all wrong. It’s brown! It’s the shade of dried-up chocolate milk, and it’s too short. The real Superman has a longer cape, more majestic, nearly ankle-length. Also – it’s tucked into his shirt collar! Who came up with that stupid idea? Nice work, fag - that successfully showcases how narrow this actor’s shoulders are (whoever the hell he is, he looks like a wannabe Calvin Klein model). The real Superman has a cape like this:

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"Talk to the hand. The SUPER hand. "

See how it sweeps over his shoulders? It’s like the cowl of a king. The new, stupider cape looks like how I used to wear my baby blanket, stuffed into my t-shirt when I was running around the backyard.

2.) The collar – it’s almost a turtleneck! How the hell is he supposed to hide that under his shirt? The blue neckline would be visible to anyone. See the straight-across Reeve neckline above for reference. Incidentally, this also permits a more favourable positioning of the cape attachment.

3.) The famous “S” shield – it’s way too small, and the raised-relief style is retarded.

4.) What’s with the hip-hugger jockeys? What are they, Underoos? Look at him standing there, it’s like he wants his bum-buddies in the steam-bath to check out his package. Should this movie be called “Ace & Gary”?

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"Look at the size of my cock! You
know you want to!"

5.) The boots. They are too low on the calves, and the split in the front of them makes me think of the boots that Rocket Robin Hood used to wear on the 5:30 a.m. Saturday cartoons. Wrong!

Whatever limp-wrist designed this costume, I want them fucking fired! This "effort" is an outrage, an abomination! Back to the drawing board, there’s still time. It’s due out in 2006, shooting has probably only begun - so there’s still time.

And the actor – who is this pretty-boy? I don’t want a name-brand actor, that would distract from the image of Superman. You’d be thinking, “Oh, there’s Brad Pitt as Superman.” It has to be an unknown guy, so they got this part right at least. But where are the muscles? This guy couldn’t beat his way out of a paper bag! I want steroids! Superhuman mass to destroy enemies and protect the weak! Who is this guy kidding? Drink gallons of Winstrol and hit the iron. You’re an embarrassment, son! General Zod would have owned his ass. Margot Kidder would have thought him cute in a high-school valedictorian kind of way. He’s not a man.

And he’s not Superman.

This man always will be:

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9 Comments:

Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

"Let's cool him up a bit, put him in black leather, like they did with the X-Men."

"It's Superman, you dipshit, we can't get away with that."

"Well, fuck. How about we at least shiny it up a bit?"

"Yeah, okay. Make it leathery, rubbery. Let's go for the S&M angle. The kids love that. Maybe we could give him a whip."

"Nah, loet's go surfer. Blond superman. Whatcha think?"

"Too Aryan. Ugly undertones."

"Okay, okay. Suppose we make him a dancer instructor instead of a newspaper reporter?"

"Yes. Absolutely."

1:10 AM  
Blogger The Everglades said...

Yeah, they are trying way too hard to draw the female crowd to this movie--so they have come up with a metrosexual Superman. Brutal. Every qualm you have I agree with. This new guy looks to douchey and slick to make anyone forget about Christopher Reeves. This is an abomination.

Blake

9:22 PM  
Blogger aughra said...

those briefs look like hot pants. I think we sell something similar at my store. Strippers buy them.

11:37 PM  
Blogger transience said...

real supermen are supposed to look that way? eeewww. what a crock of shit.

11:47 PM  
Blogger nin said...

Blake is absolutely right.........
funny dresses and bogus ideas......

1:19 PM  
Blogger Perfect Virgo said...

Oh dear, yet another icon smashed to smithereens. Those briefs are very odd...

5:39 PM  
Blogger Necromantic Angel said...

spiderman and Batman masked themselves when they use their powers. Superman had to mask himself when he's not. He was born with his powers...that's what all other superheroes don't have.

6:09 AM  
Blogger fin said...

another one bites the dust

11:16 AM  
Blogger Foxglove said...

Any boots that I would wear Superman should not. Period.

3:42 AM  

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