The Dome

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As long as I've followed the Toronto Blue Jays, they've played in a stadium in Toronto called, "The SkyDome".

Inexplicably, when people talked about going there, they'd drop the "The" prefix in the title; so when they mentioned it, they'd say something along the lines of, "Hey, we're going to SkyDome today!" Implicit in this subtle change in the statement is the idea that going there means you are participating in an event, rather than simply going to a place. Sort of like saying, "Hey! We're going to Woodstock!" It took Torontonians about five years to realize that the 'Dome was just a baseball field. Whatever though; Torontonians have this little-dick syndrome, you have to forgive them a bit. That's why they built the CN Tower - somehow, the world's largest phallic symbol makes Toronto "world class" to these guys. They fretted about having a recognizable global symbol, and now they have one: A mile-high cement penis. Hey, high-five.

Anyway, SkyDome cost Ontario taxpayers about $600 million to build, opening in 1989. Fast-forward 16 years, and the SkyDome, no longer the event it used to be, was flipped like a cheap whore to Rogers Communications for a mere $25 million dollars in January, 2005. How's that for a return on your tax dollars?

But that number amazes me - not for the incredible mismanagement of public funds, though. It's the ultimate selling price of the place that astounds me - $25 million, that's low! Imagine if you were some rich guy with $25 million burning a hole in your pocket? I'm sure they exist. $25 million for a mansion actually isn't out of the question at all in some tony Toronto neighborhoods. So why not buy the SkyDome? Imagine what you could do in there? I'd put a huge neon sign on the front identifying it as my place, sort of like the world's biggest nightclub or something. And you could live in the SkyDome Hotel and do anything you wanted inside the dome part. You could have dirt-bike races with your friends, play Nintendo on the JumboTron, and live out the childhood dream of hitting a "game-winning" home run over the wall to "win the Series." You could have all your buddies over to play actual games on the field, drink in the dugout, play in shorts and flip-flops, and generally act like a total bohemian, running around with the old pennants after you've won the "championship."

You could even invite Morgana, The Kissing Bandit to your parties!

She's probably pretty old by now though. Repeat after me: sagging lemon tits.

Why didn't anybody pony up the money to do any of that? Aren't rich guys supposed to be eccentric? Plus, the 'Dome is in a great location - bars and entertainment galore, plus you're right beside the lake. You'd be the only guy in North America with a retractable roof on his house! I guess guys like Bill Gates didn't read the fax or something, because an opportunity of grand proportions was missed by rich bastards everywhere.

Anyway, I read in the paper today that upon taking ownership of the 'Dome, Rogers Communications renamed it the "Rogers Centre." Why a "Centre"? It's a baseball park! How many baseball parks in the majors are called a "Centre"? That's right, I have no fucking idea. But I doubt it's very many:

Buddy: Hey man, get your hat! We're going to, "Roger's Centre!"
Me: What the hell is that? It it some kind of event? Is it prestigious?
Buddy: Never mind, just get in the car!
Me: Forget it, I don't get out of this chair unless it's for a prestigious event. Give me back my beer.

No, the new name doesn't have the same ring that "The SkyDome" did. Why didn't they call it, "The Roger's SkyDome"? You'd have a touchstone with the past name and prior glories, along with the modern brand name the company wishes to insinuate into our consciousness.

But maybe that's the whole point. There's no more glory or prestige in going "to SkyDome." If you're there, it's probably because that's where your homeless buddies are taking their sleeping bags after they got booted out of Nathan Phillips Square.

And they even took down the JumboTron last month. But that's all right; it's in a better place now, where Joe Carter endlessly hits Series-clinching home runs, and the AstroTurf always smells like a new Pontiac.