Ed is Bored Again

Ed is bored. I forget on what pretence he came into my office, but we’re talking about being kids again, in public school.

“Remember recess, man? Floor hockey. We always signed up so we wouldn’t have to go outside at lunch hour. Floor hockey rocked,” Ed says.

“Yeah, we used to take turns in net, and we’d shoot these huge slapshots right at the goalie’s nuts from five feet away. We knew we’d be in there next, but it didn’t matter, we’d still nail that poor kid right in the bag. Right in the old nut-sack. Boom!” I laugh, remembering the joy I once felt in hurting other kids.

“Yeah, and Dodgeball in gym class. They don’t even have mandatory gym class anymore, they are worried about “straining” the kids. Yeah, the last thing they want is some fat kid straining themselves, having a stroke on the floor.” Ed suddenly contorts his face into that of a fat stroke victim. “Uhhh! Uhhh!” he grunts. He jumps around in my guest chair like he’s being electrocuted.

“They don’t even have Dodgeball anymore,” I say.

“Oh, fuck off. Sure they do.”

“No, they don’t. Remember how we used to run like a mad bastard behind the line on the floor, while the asshole of the class would wind up with those big red Mars balls we had and try to nail you? You’d be running around, and those guys, they’d target you in the corner, and the balls would leave welts on your legs as turtled up and tried to protect yourself,” I say.

“What do they do now?”

“They have this game, it’s sort of like Dodgeball. Except instead of throwing the ball, they roll it at you on the floor, no bouncing. And instead of running around, you stand still, and the ball has to touch your foot to take you ‘out’,” I say.

“That’s retarded,” Ed declares.

“Yeah, it is. What lesson is that teaching the kids? Remember the fear you felt, trying so hard not to get hit by the ball? This is a good life lesson. We need to learn to run away from flying red balls. Now, the lesson is to stand still, and hope like hell the ball doesn’t touch you. It’s a “frozen deer” strategy. Those kids should be running around like some other animal. What runs around? Rabbits?”

“Yeah. They teach you to just sit there, and just take it. Just like here! Take it, right up the ass! Uhnnh! Uhnnh!” Ed humps the air.

“Yeah, you’d like it in the ass,” I say.

“Fuck you, man. You always ruin my moments.”