The Chimp Attack

We’re flipping channels, and we see the grinning face of a chimpanzee, framed onscreen behind a news anchor.

"Wait, stop here a second," I say. "What's this?"

“…and doctors say the chimps, named Ollie and Buddy, chewed off most of Davis' face, tore off his foot and attacked his limbs and genitals….”

“Jesus Christ,” I say. “A chimpanzee attack? Some guy lost his face and his genitals? What would you have to live for?”

“Nice name...oh yeah, he’s my fuckin' ‘Buddy’,” my roommate says. “Man, that sucks.”

“And he’s going to be hopping around on one foot for the rest of his life, too. So he’s gonna be this dickless, mutilated, pirate-guy,” I say.

“…generally weighing between 120 and 150 pounds with strength much greater than a man…”

“Oh, yeah!" my roommate says. "Those fuckers are strong, too, I saw this one on tv, he lifted 600 pounds with one arm. Why doesn't anybody do monkey steroids, man? But just imagine having this superhuman, fuckin' hairy little monster, just clamped onto your leg, gnawing your bag off? Just imagine that, man...it's just latched there, chewing your cock, and you can't get it off, or else it will eat your face or somethin'...it's a fuckin' nightmare.”

“Just like...what was her name? That bimbo...Sarah?” I say.

"I'm gonna rip your face off in a minute here."